You're (Probably) Giving Too Much Advice. Leaders, Try Doing This Instead.
Asking well-calibrated coaching questions is a leadership superpower
Several years ago, I got a new boss.
James’s resume said he was a “certified coach,” which didn’t mean much to me. I figured that meant he was great at advising people on what to do, like a consultant.
But after a few meetings with James, I realized that his gift wasn’t dishing out business advice—it was asking great questions.
When our team presented problems to James, he’d often ask a few insightful questions, and we’d unearth some new solution together. It got to the point where employees began asking James, “Teach me how to do what you just did. I don’t know what that was, but I want to learn it.”
I learned that James’s superpower was something called coaching: the art of asking thoughtful questions to help others find their own solutions.
It wasn’t that James didn’t have good advice; he just preferred to ask questions instead. I soon found out why.
3 Different Strategies
Loosely stated, there are three different response strategies when someone comes to you with a problem:
Advice: Utilize your expertise to solve the problem. Use your knowledge and pattern recognition (what you’ve seen work in similar situations) to suggest potential solutions to the problem.
Ask Leading Questions: Formulate an idea of what the other person should do in their situation. Rather than explicitly telling them what you think, ask questions to lead the person to a conclusion, so it feels like their idea. This is sometimes called “the illusion of empowerment.”
Coaching: Set aside your experience and simply ask questions. Be curious. Ask open-ended questions to help the other person determine their solution—one that works for them in this specific situation.
Before learning the power of coaching, I often opted for one of the first two options whenever people came to me with problems.
I assumed the mantle of “Problem Solver” and went to work analyzing the problem and sharing my insights—either explicitly (advice) or subtly (asking leading questions).
Notice how these approaches assume an imbalance of information or knowledge? Sharing advice is predicated on the belief that we know more than the other person. We are the genius; they are the student.
Coaching flips this model on its head.
Approaching problems from a coaching mindset means believing that the other person holds the solution, not us. Our job as the coach is to unlock the solution that already lives inside that person.
Effectively, coaching is helping others solve their own problems. As a coach, our job is to truly understand where the other person is coming from and ask open-ended questions to help them explore their situation from a new perspective.
Coaching is a framework that promotes self-sufficiency and gives others the tools to think about the problems they’re facing in a new way.
Complete, Capable, and Creative
Thinking like a coach means approaching problems from the perspective that every single person is complete, capable, and creative.
We do not assume that the other person needs to be fixed.
“The truest way to be deceived is to think oneself more knowing than others.” -François de La Rochefoucauld
We instead assume they possess the skills and the insight necessary to figure out the answer to their problem and do what they need to do. As the coach, we ask questions to unlock their insight.
The Benefits of Coaching
Whereas giving advice imparts our personal biases and ideas upon another’s situation, coaching helps the other person come to their own realizations.
People often respond best when they’re given the latitude to make their own decisions. If someone can reach an insight on their own, they often feel more engaged, bought-in, and excited for what they need to do to solve a problem.
This is why non-advice styles of communication like coaching can be so powerful.
Thinking about conversations from a coaching mindset requires us to relinquish control over the conversation and instead trust the other person’s ability to solve their challenge.
Exhibiting that trust can be uncomfortable, especially at first. But outcomes reached through coaching conversations are often stronger and more sustainable than those reached by giving advice or asking leading questions.
Why? Because the other person has fully bought into the solution. The solution has been tailor-made to fit their needs because they came up with it.
Coaching is an excellent way for each of us to support others, learn what challenges they’re facing, and give them an environment to develop their personal path and take ownership of their development.
Coaching Tips
I’ve already seen immediate benefits from making small changes to think more like a coach. Below are a few of the tips I’ve learned from personal experiences, coaching workshops, and books like The Coaching Habit:
1. Bite your tongue and your ego
When someone begins to share a problem, my gut reaction is to start sharing advice. Through self-reflection, I’ve realized that my desire to share my thoughts is often rooted in pride and the desire to look intelligent.
We must reject these egotistical reactions when coaching others.
“Humility is personal power under control.” -Tony Baron
2. Ask open-ended questions
Closed-ended questions (those that can be answered with a mere “yes” or “no”) force the other person to choose between options you have created.
Open-ended questions open up many possible paths for the discussion and give the other person the chance to reflect and share their thoughts.
3. Utilize questions that start with “What” or “How”
Questions that begin with “Why” tend to make presumptions or suggest solutions (e.g., “Why did you…”, “Why wouldn’t you just…”). Those types of questions tend to shut down communication rather than open it up.
Questions that start with “What” or “How” give the other person full latitude to share their ideas. Here are a few examples:
“What’s on your mind?”
“What’s the real challenge here for you?”
“What outcome are you hoping for in this situation?”
“How can I help?”
4. Remain inquisitive
If you approach the conversation with curiosity rather than thinking about the problem as your responsibility to solve, you’ll be able to do a better job of asking questions rather than giving advice.
“The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.” -Bertrand Russell
5. Ask one question at a time
We all have a natural desire to ask strings of questions. Asking multiple questions at one time can create confusion or anxiety for the other person in the conversation, so it’s best to ask one question at a time instead.
Once the person has answered that question, ask the next question.
6. Don’t offer advice with a question mark attached
We’ve all asked questions like “What do you think about [this idea]?” or “How would it work if you [did it like this]?” Such questions are simply advice masquerading as coaching questions.
Stick with honest, genuine questions and resist giving advice in the form of a question.
7. Become comfortable with silence
Silence is often a signal that you’ve asked the right question. Allow the other person to think in quiet. Do not fill the space with more questions.
8. Resist the urge to tell people what to do
In his excellent book The Coaching Habit, Michael Bungay Stanier says that coaching is “a little more asking questions and a little less telling people what to do.” I love that.
Stanier says that your coachees will frequently ask for advice, and you can still give it, but first respond with something like, “That’s a great question. I’ve got some ideas, which I’ll share with you. But before I do, what are your first thoughts?”
9. Strategically utilize closed-ended questions
Although open-ended questions are foundational to coaching, we can use closed-ended questions to encourage commitment at critical junctures in the conversation, such as the examples below:
“What I heard you say was X, Y, and Z. Does that resonate?”
“You said you wanted to achieve X, Y, and Z in this conversation. Have we achieved those goals?”
Whenever I’m talking to someone who is trying to solve a problem, I still constantly feel the urge to offer advice or ask leading questions. However, every time I’ve been able to overcome that urge and instead ask genuine coaching questions, I’ve been impressed with the results.
You can tap into the superpower of coaching by using the tips above. Give it a shot!
What scenarios would not be a good fit for a coaching approach?